


Golden.

by withoutwords



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hospital, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, One-Sided Love, episode coda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-31
Updated: 2016-01-31
Packaged: 2018-05-17 09:35:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5864068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/withoutwords/pseuds/withoutwords
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Jesus, Robert, it doesn’t even matter. You wear her ring ‘cause you still care about her just like you say you care about me,” Aaron says, and a tear starts to roll down his cheek. “But she won’t have ya, and ya think I’m so weak that I will.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Golden.

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted to tumblr, and many thanks for the lovely request to post it here :) This is set some time during Aaron's recent hospital stay, when Robert was sitting with him.
> 
> This is from Robert's perspective, and although written hastily it was still an interesting struggle trying to write about his love for and his commitment to Aaron whilst understanding that those things had boundaries, that they could be used for good, but were not the solution.

“Why do you still wear that thing?” Aaron grumbles into the quiet, his face pressed into the pillow where he’s turned on his side.

Robert’s got his left hand at his face, and Aaron’s eyes on his ring, and he feels suddenly exposed. He feels suddenly stupid. “Uh, I don’t know. Habit I guess.”

“You still love her.”

It’s not a question, so Robert just huffs, and the “Do I?” comes out a little more teasing than he’d meant. Aaron’s always set him at ease like that, even now, even after all this.

“That’s what it’s for, yeah?”

“I suppose.”

“Don’t do that,” Aaron says with a sigh, turning on to his back and rubbing his face. He’s getting more colour, is more alert, and of course Robert’s glad. He really is. He’s just not sure what happens when Aaron walks out of this room. “Don’t tell me what ya think I wanna hear. I’m not dying.”

“That’s - ” Robert says quickly, the word like a hand clenched around his throat. He doesn’t want to hear it or think it or know it - Aaron chose to come here. He wants to get better. That’s the truth. “That’s not what I meant. Sorry.”

“You think if she came through that door right now, said she wants you back, said you can have her, the job, the life, you think - ”

“No, Aaron, stop - no. I’m not going back to Chrissie.”

“Like you’d choose this? Like some messed up, pathetic little - ”

“Stop,” Robert cuts in, watching that familiar rise of his chest, his whole body trying to will the tears away. “You’re supposed to be getting better, yeah, not telling me why I shouldn’t love ya.”

“Jesus, Robert, it doesn’t even matter. You wear her ring ‘cause you still care about her just like you say you care about me,” Aaron says, and a tear starts to roll down his cheek. “But she won’t have ya, and ya think I’m so weak that I will.”

“Bloody hell, Aaron, you think I…” Robert tries to catch his breath, making sense of what he’s hearing. Trying to piece Aaron’s thoughts together, trying not to throw them back in his face. He can’t pretend to know how Aaron feels, or how Aaron sees himself. What that monster had let him believe. “I know ya don’t love me back, Aaron, that’s not - I don’t want anything from you.”

Aaron scoffs. “That’s a change.”

“Aaron, believe me. I know we will never be so close, maybe we’ll never be mates, but - but I’m in your corner. I want to fight for ya,” Robert leans forward enough to wrap a hand around Aaron’s forearm, forgetting Aaron’s boundaries just long enough to realise he’s not pulling away. Robert does instead. “I will fight for ya. And yeah, okay, it’s selfish because I want you to stay. I want to see you get better and be happy for once. But - but I never thought once I’d be the person to do that. This is about you. Only you. And what all of us can do to… To help you be okay. With you.”

Robert feels like he’s babbling, like he doesn’t make sense and isn’t helping at all. He feels useless, and treacherous, because he knows what he represents to Aaron. He knows he’s another scar. 

“I don’t think I’ll ever like me,” Aaron admits, still staring at the wall, still twisted in his face and body like he’s willing something to explode. (He does that a lot.)

“You will,” Robert says, almost pleadingly, making an aborted movement with his hand before resting it on the bed. “I mean - I hope you will. I hope one day you’ll believe me when I tell ya how I feel. How a lot of people feel.” 

There are more tears now, a wounded sound, and Robert doesn’t try to touch Aaron but he doesn’t move either. They’ve been apart like this before, by inches, but it had felt like miles back then. This - this feels like bridging a gap. Just one gap among so many that Robert had never had the courage to see.

He hates knowing why, but he’s also glad that he does. That it’s a weight he bears because Aaron put it there. That maybe Aaron even felt a little relief.

“I’ll go,” Robert says with a sigh, hating the way Aaron seems to unwind. He doesn’t want to be part of the problem, but he knows part of the problem is Aaron pushing people away. “I’ll come back in the morning with some food.”

When he gets to his car, takes in a few rattly breaths, tries to reconfigure himself outside of that room - he touches at his ring. He pulls at it a little - like playing with a hangnail - but he doesn’t take it off.

It doesn’t say _I love her_ , it says, _I’m not available_ , and it’s never felt truer in his whole life.

He’s got nothing left to give, now, not for any one else. He’s only got those things he keeps for Aaron.

**Author's Note:**

> [Tumblr.](http://thefancyspin.tumblr.com)


End file.
